My morning walk today was a time of reflection. I find that the 30 minutes or so of walking and breathing in the fresh air has given me that GO Train alone time. It’s a time I use to pump myself up for the day reflect on yesterday and plan the new day. Today was no different however, It was Samuel that came to mind. Tomorrow, is the very last day of school however French seems to be the only course left which means today is the last day of elementary course (no French on Fridays). Today’s reflection took me way back to my childhood and back to my children……children in general. It took me back to my personal struggles and triumphs. ..it took me slightly through some pain, aches and gave me that opportunity to give myself a 👋.
I have journed with Samuel (and his brother) through abusive home, shelter, many moves, no electricity, no heat, the low and the up. I have fought school system for Samuel’s right, I have met horrible teachers and the most amazing educators. Samuel (and his brother – I should write about Samuel’s brothet one of this days….one of the most wonderful human to ever cross my path) has really gone through all this….I have taken Samuel through all this journey and we still came out on top. I never give myself enough accolades but I am doing it today.
See I was the child that was overlooked, that was treated less than, that was disregarded, that was called dump, stupid, the child that was told that they will wipe the butt of their mates, I was a 10th class citizen even in my home…..I was that child. I know the feeling of being treated “less than”, i know what it feels like to feel less than, i know what it feels like to be at the bottom of the tooting pool, i know what it feels like to not be celebrated…..I said all that to say that I made a promise to myself to be very intentional with boosting my children’s self worth and even any child that I meet. I knew what I never wanted my children or any child to feel….then autism came.
Autism meant that regardless of my effort, people will see Samuel as less than, as a second class citizen, that they will see Autism before they see anything else. So I knew I would have to work harder for his self worth and I will have to work harder on folks around him. I knew I will have to ensure that above it all, they see that Samuel is super intelligent, handsome, funny…did I say FUNNY, has the most beautiful nose, ears, eyes, lashes, lips…..even the spots on his back are beautiful……that I will need to force folks to see Samuel before anything else.
So this morning, when that song came up, the emotions flood because I know that I have done super well. I have solely build a strong foundation in my kids. That battered child, emotionally bruised little girl, that girl that will not amount to anything has managed to build a great 13 years old young man. I have managed to improve the next generation….. Most importantly I have done this mostly all by myself….my husband has been super supportive however he came later in the game…the foundation is all me….I sometimes feel awkward giving myself praise but today, I’m doing it. I..Abby..I DID IT. When I look back now, I almost understand why I had to do it by myself….God needed to show me that I am capable, that I am important, that I am valuable, that I am strong, that I am wonderful ….that despite what I was called, what I was made to feel….that a beautiful flower can come through me.
I have managed to raise a young man that at his age….regardless of autism understands consent (age appropriate level understanding), understands that we have to be kind, that is well aware that regardless of academic grade, he is still the most intelligent boy alive😁, that can have an open discussion about his feelings without fear of judgement, a young man that I can ask to make pasta, noodles, bake chicken or anything with instruction for himself and his siblings (Samuel is the second cook in our house). I can’t remember a week when I had to cook for Samuel more than twice in a week. I have done an amazing job and I give myself accolade
I still struggles because the voices of childhood can be very loud at times but so far, this is not a battle Samuel will have to deal with. I pray that as we journey to high school, we maintain the same spirit and meet individuals that will see Samuel way before they see the autism.
If I can leave here with one of my believe…Words are like tattoos, they are super difficult to remove, therefore be wise about what you say especially about your kids or kids under your care….it can shape their whole existence.
“..And when I formed you, I made no mistakes, I’ve always adored you and nothing has changed. God help me believe, believe what you say”.🙏
Who would have thought that a damage tree can bring out such a beautiful flower?💃🏾💃🏾
