Samuel and I: Our Autism Journey

As we are about to celebrate  Christmas,  I have been thinking of the things I am mostly grateful for.  Beside the usual protection over covid outbreak, I am super grateful because this time last year, I was in total internal breakdown.  I had so much struggle concerning  how to manage Samuel needs, I had personal struggles  about my failure concern him…..am I really doing enough?.  I had struggles  about his siblings and wonder if I am doing enough with them.

Sometimes the voices in my head can be louder than the battle in front of me.  I internalize everything so much and so deep that it makes it super difficult  to have a second of clarity.  I am a chronic analyzer….I over analyze just about everything.

Writing has always been my outlet because as a young child, I had limited voice.  I am also great at having a strong facade so opening up to people is very difficult for me but when I write, it’s almost like a renew of my body and soul.  I am super grateful for this platform; it provided me what I needed for 2020……its like God knew that 2020 was going to be THE year….

The year when not only Covid came, Tope was practically  locked away from us for almost all year, a year when I will have no break, a year when Samuel would receive many diagnosis, a year when Samuel will need help to manage his energy, a year of many holes on my wall, a year  of many fight and fall, a year of success ….Samuel has had an amazing year.

The biggest success is in how Samuel has matured.  On a physical level, he has gone from about 5″11 to about 6″4/6″5 but that is not as significant as his emotional maturity.  The morning after his birthday, he knocked on my door and thanked me for a great birthday the day before….this has NEVER happened before.  He was not only able to go to a new school but has done amazingly well this school year…I got a call from his math teacher on Wednesday and she told me about how amazing he is and how is is such a great kid, but also mentioned that he has been able to work well on his school work and will be getting 92% for this half of the course. This year has been amazing

As we start the last leg of 2020, my hope is that we all dig deep and find things that we can be grateful about. 2020 has taken too much from us…to some its a life, some relationships, some work, some social interaction and I sympathize with everyone and pray for a brighter time ahead, I still do hope that at the very least, we celebrate and be thankful for LIFE

I am thankful for you all….Special shout out to my Tope, my big sis Yetty and a co worker turned friend…Sophia…..you have all been my go to people when the sky get a little cloudy❤

Have a super Christmas all. 💖

Samuel turned 14 a week ago. 14!! I can’t believe that my Sammy is just 4 years from what THEY considered adulthiod:). It has really been a journey. A journey that has taught me so much; I have gained much more from Samuel than I can ever give to him. He has made me who I am today….eternally grateful.

Samuel’s birthday was simple…a simple pizza, drinks, snacks and cake. We ordered vanilla cake but they mistaken made chocolate. As soon as I saw it, I knew a meltdown was underwat but yet NOTHING…Samuel asked if I could return it and I simply said I was tired and can do it Saturday morning….and he said “Okay”. Okay was the last word or reaction from my mind. The old Samuel would have broken down into a total meltdown with eyes and nose running. You would have thought he had received the worst news in the world.

The next morning, I heard his footsteps and did my usual “Samuel, you have to brush your teeth” anticipating the usual argument around why brushing on weekend is required but I got NOTHING. He just opened my door and said “Thank you for yesterday, I had fun”…I was shocked and taken aback by his reaction.

If this is what 14 has to offer me, I am ready and excited for what the year has in store for Samuel. I am always proud and excited for this boy. His pure heartedness is what I aspire to have.

Thank you to everyone that has been supporting and praying with us. We are greatful❤

Happy birthday once again Sam. 14 is looking amazingly well with you.

Over the years, I have been asked about medicating Samuel and i have thought about what medicating him early could have done for me…both positively and negatively…i guess, i will never know. 

I am not against or for medication, I’ve always been an advocate for whatever is best or whatever I think is best for Samuel.  I personally don’t take alot of medication, not because of believe but mostly because I cannot be so dedicated to take a pill everyday because of my selective memory🤣  I also grew up on needle and prefer needle over pills any day.  But, I digress…..

When  he was 3, he was prescribed medication to help with his hyperactivity but I felt like he was too young and i felt like I could manage his behaviour.  Looking back, maybe that was a great decision but one mistake I made was not even exploring melatonin  for his sometimes 72 hours of sleeplessness; my personal fear of any medication and lack of knowledge got the best of me.  We learn and grow on a daily.

We had another encounter at about 8 because his focus became an issue that was seriously affecting him academically. I tried for a month and stopped.  I stopped because of many reasons, One, because I didnt feel like the pediatrician  had his best interest at heart. Two, I got introduced to new diet options that worked for some.

The diet worked for many years….we did it for a little over 2 years with no cheating.  Then Samuel started sneaking food and expressed interest in exploring other meals so we stopped.  My goal is to ensure that he never feels like he is being singled out  and I want him to always have a voice when it comes to his life.  Samuel is extremely  smart and vocal….I wanted to keep that Samuel spirit alive.

When Samuels started last year of elementary, I decided to explore other means of helping him with his focus and hyperactivity. I knew highschool was going to be a different element for him and among many things, he will have to learn time management with his work as well as being focused enough to absorb what he is being taught. In the midst of figuring thing out more diagnosis came and then came Covid 19

The presence of Covid has impacted Samuel negatively.  The first 6 or so months we went through different types and stages of emotion.  His ability to focus for an extended period of time diminished, his steming tripped, he was unable to stand or sit still.  He stared making hole in the wall, either by bumping into the wall with objects or with his strong body.  It became a challenge to keep hin calm and steated for even 5 minutes.  This is when it became super obvious to me that I needed to explore other options.

Samuel started seeing a new pediatrician that specializes in ADHD. At our initial meeting, he suggested other Avenue to help keep him calm and manage his energy. We used the summer time to explore alot of energy draining or reduction exercise with the hope that it’ll help calm his nerve.

As of the first week of Septemebr, we introduced Samuel to medication and so far so good. The medication works for about 4 hours and the goal is to help him calm down enough to listen in school and be able to absorb what he is being taught.

School has been going great. Samuel has been doing amazingly well. His grades are way up…mostly A🙌🏾 Medication management has been great. Stemming continue to increase but trying our best to manage and exploring other options again

We continue to move ❤❤

Since the lockdown, Samuel has been stemming significantly more. The stress over the what he presume to be a negative impact from the US election combined with COVID 19 is not helping either. Over the last 10 months or so, our home has felt the aftermath of all this stress on Samuel

We now have 2 dinnig chairs because he has managed to break the rest, in the basement, we had 4 holes on the wall from him bumping his chair against the wall as he is not able to sit still for an extended period. I’ve since gotten him gaming chair and fixed the holes.

The huge hole on downstairs staircase is from him stumbling into the wall, hole in the living room is from him falling down to sit and continuously bumping into the same spot. This holes I haven’t had the time to fix but it’s on my ‘To do’ list this coming week as I will be on Vacation.

Now to today, as I was about to take his picture sitting down, I looked and there was a huge dent on my dinning wall. I was shocked, I got angry, I raised my voice, I queried him….I am tired of the dents and hole….I am tired of him stemming….I am tired of my beautiful home getting damaged…..my head started pounding…..I became super angry…. I became tired

I asked him why he didnt tell me, he said “Because of this” pointing directly at me. “I know you will be like this, upset”. It’s difficult not to be upset but I need to evaluate myself and figure out a better way to express my frustration. Seeing the new dent just got me so tired. It’s like all the effort is not producing alot of result. I feel like I dont know how much more I can do to manage this

On a positive note, I now know how to fix holes on the wall. I just need to know learn how to cut and replace drywall.

My morning walk today was a time of reflection.  I find that the 30 minutes or so of walking and breathing in the fresh air has given me that GO Train alone time.  It’s a time I use to pump myself up for the day  reflect on yesterday and plan the new day.  Today was no different however, It was Samuel that came to mind.  Tomorrow, is the very last day of school however French seems to be the only course left which means today is the last day of elementary  course (no French on Fridays).  Today’s reflection took me way back to my childhood and back to my children……children in general.  It took me back to my personal struggles and triumphs. ..it took me slightly through some pain, aches and gave me that opportunity  to give myself a 👋.

I have journed with Samuel (and his brother) through abusive home,  shelter, many moves, no electricity, no heat, the low and the up.  I have fought school system for Samuel’s  right, I have met horrible teachers and the most amazing educators.  Samuel (and his brother – I should write about Samuel’s brothet one of this days….one of the most wonderful human to ever cross my path) has really gone through all this….I have taken Samuel through all this journey and we still came out on top.  I never give myself enough accolades but I am doing it today.

See I was the child that was overlooked, that was treated less than, that was disregarded, that was called dump, stupid, the child that was told that they will wipe the butt of their mates, I was a 10th class citizen even in my home…..I was that child.  I know the feeling of being treated “less than”, i know what it feels like to feel less than, i know what it feels like to be at the bottom of the tooting pool, i know what it feels like to not be celebrated…..I said all that to say that I made a promise to myself to be very intentional with boosting my children’s self worth and even any child that I meet.  I knew what I never wanted my children or any child to feel….then autism came.

Autism meant that regardless of my effort, people will see Samuel as less than, as a second class citizen, that they will see Autism before they see anything else.  So I knew I would have to work harder for his self worth and I will have to work harder on folks around him.  I knew I will have to ensure that above it all, they see that Samuel is super intelligent, handsome, funny…did I say FUNNY, has the most beautiful nose, ears, eyes, lashes, lips…..even the spots on his back are beautiful……that I will need to force folks to see Samuel before anything else.

So this morning, when that song came up, the emotions flood because I know that I have done super well.  I have solely build a strong foundation in my kids. That battered child, emotionally bruised little girl, that girl that will not amount to anything has managed to build a great 13 years old young man.  I have managed to improve the next generation….. Most importantly I have done this mostly all by myself….my husband has been super supportive however he came later in the game…the foundation is all me….I sometimes feel awkward giving myself praise but today, I’m doing it. I..Abby..I DID IT. When I look back now, I almost understand why I had to do it by myself….God needed to show me that I am capable, that I am important, that I am valuable, that I am strong, that I am wonderful ….that despite what I was called, what I was made to feel….that a beautiful flower can come through me.

I have managed to raise a young man that at his age….regardless of autism understands consent (age appropriate level understanding), understands that we have to be kind, that is well aware that regardless of academic grade, he is still the most intelligent boy alive😁, that can have an open discussion about his feelings without fear of judgement,  a young man that I can ask to make pasta, noodles, bake chicken or anything with instruction for himself and his siblings (Samuel is the second cook in our house).  I can’t remember a week when I had to cook for Samuel more than twice in a week.  I have done an amazing job and I give myself accolade

I still struggles because the voices of childhood can be very loud at times but so far, this is not a battle Samuel will have to deal with. I pray that as we journey to high school, we maintain the same spirit and meet individuals that will see Samuel way before they see the autism.

If I can leave here with one of my believe…Words are like tattoos, they are super difficult to remove, therefore be wise about what you say especially about your kids or kids under your care….it can shape their whole existence.

“..And when I formed you, I made no mistakes, I’ve always adored you and nothing has changed. God help me believe, believe what you say”.🙏

Who would have thought that a damage tree can bring out such a beautiful flower?💃🏾💃🏾

We want to take this time to really thank everyone.  The journey to get here has been made easier by everyone that has joined us at different stages of this journey.   I have been meaning to post this but I have been short of the right word to express my inner thoughts or to express the joy I see floating through Samuel.  

Everytime I think about his graduation, tears flows through me…not of sadness, not of fear of what is to come but just tears of release..it’s satisfaction like “baby girl, you did that”🤣🤣.  Similar to when you hold your breath when trying to complete a task and once completed, you just breath…deep breath….that is the type of release I feel. 

Thank you all and may you always be elevated and celebrated.  

TGIF

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I remember coming here broken about what the future holds as far as high school is concerned.  Even through the lock down, we have been working through what that looks like for Samuel….the courses, how he will manage in the biggest school he has ever been to, expectation on managing his courses and what the 4 or 6 years may look like for him.

I met with the Vice Principal, the SERT, guidance counselor as well as the psychologist that diagnosed Samuel plus his current SERT and teacher. The new school is super prepared for Samuel’s arrival…the SERT even mentioned maybe having Samuel join football team because of his built (currently slight over 6″4 and around 175 pounds) (Not gonna happen thou….I was in labour for too many hours to just throw this boy into football….my bravery has not reached that level🤣🤣🤣)

I am so at peace. I am well aware that Samuel and I will face many challenges. I am well aware that their will be time when I may bump head with his educator. I am well aware that Samuel teenageness 🤣 may peep his head out of the cloud at anytime. I am also aware that Samuel has folks even outside of myself and his Step Dad that will fight for his right to get him thesame opportunity as everyone else.

I feel good today…I have peace when it comes to Samuel. In the next couple of weeks, I have appointments with specialists to explore options for Samuel when it comes to focus…..maybe breathing exercise….maybe naturopathic medicine….maybe ….whatever the “maybe” could be, my mind is more open today than yesterday and WE are ready to explore anything that my aide in maintaining who Samuel is while helping his mind to focus

We can see the sun shining brighter and brighter today. 🙄❤🤸🏾‍♀️💃🏾🤸🏾‍♂️

It took me a while to write this and in all honesty, it’s not that I’m totally okay but it’s that I’m now shifting from my Mourning stage to acceptance….although,I haven’t totally crossed over yet.

I knew Samuel had Autism when he was 18 months old…I didn’t know what autism was prior to that but my older sister was the first to make the observation and provided with a little bit of insight she knew about Autism. By the time Samuel officially got diagnosed, I had already subconsciously gone through my mourning stage so the feeling I felt this last week was far from what I felt almost a decade ago. A decade ago,I was deep into the acceptance stage when the news of autism came…..this time around, I was well grounded in the denial stage so the news hit me more than I could even explain.

I went into depression,cried almost all the time and disconnected from people. It was tough but folks that knew me reached out and tried their best to redirect attention to how far we have come. Folks like BF reminded me of the many impossibilities that we overcame…reminded me of when Samuel was without any verbal communication…..she took me back (with her little words) down the memory lane. Folks like JB, LG, P, ST and MN gave me Avenue to pour my grieve and thought without judgement….when the storm was high, God raised folks to calm it for me.

Now that I have processed it, I look at this new diagnosis as clarity….clarity because we can now understand why Samuel does what he does and how best to help him to achieve HIS greatness. Even thou it’s not the best news, it’s still Samuel news and like we have done in the past….we will face it heads on.

Samuel’s diagnosis is now as follows: Severe language based learning disability, ADHD, Learning Impairment and Autism. With verbal communication (which affects just about all school subject), Samuel is at either 1 percentile or less however, with Non Verbal, Samuel is at either average or high Average …between 30 and 77 percentile. I’ll also gloat and say that in spelling, Samuel was evaluated as above average. Samuel has always been super smart,and, respectful,funny and super compassionate….he is one of the best human I know. I am yet to meet anyone that has had the chance to meet Samuel speak negatively about him. All the teachers, daycare providers and speciality always emphasize how pleasantly surprised they are at his demeanor. He is just an awesome person and I feel super privileged to guide him as he journey through life.

The journey ahead for us is super blurry however, I am ready, Samuel is ready, my husband is ready….the whole family is ready. We have a very small circle….very very small but it’s a powerful circle. Each person (young or old) in that circle is an advocare of Samuel.

Key point: the percentile (the breakdown was long) broke me more than the diagnosis itself.

On a lighter note, I think Samuel is now about 6″4 and he keeps patting me on the head….the boy is disrespectful 🤣🤣🤣🤣