I miss what could have been

I thought hard about writing this and weigh it for about a week but as I sit on this train thinking about my colleagues having fun times together while I rush to take Samuel to his session, I have to admit to myself that I do miss what it could have been.

When I had Samuel my 2 in-laws and 3 friends were pregnant at the same time. We all had the kids close to each other (Between end of August and Decemebr); 1 girl (Esosa) and 5 boys. Out of all the kids, Samuel was/is the only one with unique needs.

There are times when my thought drifts to the kids, I think about how they can now go to school on their own, go to the mall with friends,go to the movies, have a crush, some are likely looking for summer jobs now since they can do some work at 14. I think about school…i think so much about what Samuel could have been without Autism…. I think about him having a life partner…i think about how he will be able to keep his job..It hurts when i see how Autism has changed our lifes

In thesame token, when I think about Samuel, I think about how he does not miss not having friends, I think about how he has been walking to school with his brother since September without any issue.  I think about how I can leave him with his brother for an hour without issue, I think about how he was able to transition from 7 years of Autism classroom to mainstream  classroom, I think about all he has accomplish, I think about how he will do anything for me if I show any sign of sadness,I think about how he is so intune with my emotions even when I put on a brave face,

I think alot about what we have accomplished but I have to be truthful to myself, seeing his age mates do age appropriate  things that he can’t do, hurts my soul.  Don’t get me wrong,I am blessed to be his mama and blessed for all he is but I still hurt

8 Replies to “I miss what could have been”

  1. The word of God said that in everything we should be thanking God. You have identified Samuel’s strength. Please continue to build on that and never for once have doubt in his ability because God who created him will never forsake him.

  2. I hear you Abby and will never get tired of confessing that I admire your strong resolve and dedication to the unique needs of Sam and love for his siblings.

    While I appreciate your positive envy of the assumed normal life of other kids, please be conscious that all that glitters may not be gold. You may be shocked if parents that you occasionally envy open up to you honestly on how they crave for a loving and compassionate boy such as Sam.

    I love the fact that you write from the heart without a need to impress your readers. Your words evoke the right mood in me and challenge me to see kids with autism as life long winners as against vulnerable people. Nothing really compares to being loved without limits by people you regard as family and friends.

    Finally, thanks for being very unselfish in sharing your past and daily experiences, as a mother who loves her children without apologies.

  3. Girlfriend, you have a terrific son and you are a terrific mom. I understand what you are saying and feel for Sammy,but he is a trooper and Aaron has stepped in to play the roll of little big brother 😂. I admire your strength Abby.

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