Samuel and I: Our Autism Journey

When i was told that Sam is on the autism spectrum, i was consumed by deep grieve. Everything that i thought were impossible flashed across my mind. I saw no positive and i saw alot of unfulfilled goals.

My grief was centered around MY hopes and dream. Do i still fall into grief, yes, more than anyone knows but i am quick to snap myself out of it. Nothing hurts me now than the fact that Samuel is wasting his 6″9 frame, i am convinced that he wouLd have been the next Micheal if not for autism LOL

I have gotten to the stage where i don’t see Sam’s autism as an horror anymore, i now see it as a different and unique way of life. I see the humour it brings through Sam, i see the dedication that shines through it via Sam, i see the amazing brain power in it.

Samuel is truly the human that i aim to be. He is routine oriented and if he says he will do something, he will do it right and on time. I, on the other hand can procrastinate till rapture. I love how he can understand maths so easily and many years in, i am still finding X :). I love how he can meet someone and remember that the last time he saw them was June, 2006 :). Samuel has an amazing long term memory.

Samuel had his 17th birthday recently and unfortunately, he was sick on his birthday. However because it was his day to clean the house, i was shocked when i found him downstairs cleaning. Of course, i stopped him but i can only admire his spirit of being dedicated to fulfilling promises. He is the most reliable human i have ever met

Samuel and I have grown so much.

I still find it difficult to accept that my baby is now almost an adult. It scares me

As Sam starts his last leg of the race to adulthood, i worry about the responsibility and expectation that the world will put on him. I worry about the many possible traps. I worry about influences that may lead him to make unwise decisions. I worry about his general trust and love for everyone. I worry that one error may change his story. I worry if i have done enough to set him up for success.

This 17th year, will indeed be an amazing one for Samuel. He has so many great things in line and i know that Samuel is an amazing person that will always lean towards doing the right thing but i still worry. I want so badly for him to continue to be happy, enjoy every aspect of his life, accomplish his greatness and have people around him that will advocate with and for him.

It is indeed going to be an amazing year and i am here for the ride. My worry continues but like he has done over and over again, i know Sam will surprise and shock me.

Happy 17th birthday my first love. You remain my greatest teacher. Love you beyond my last breath

Samuel turning 16 came with alot of celebration and mouring. Over the years, i’ve come to accept that grieving for what we CAN’T is continuous. I hate that i cant just do a one time moruning and move on but as you see kids of same age do age appropriate things, make age appropriate moves etc, it becomes a constant reminder of what may never happen with us.

Samuel is now 16…..almost 17. The seasons of driving, the season of thinking about career path, the season of dates etc. It’s also the time of independence for most kids. Going out with friends, to the corner store, movies solo, branching somewhere after school, skipping lunch box and going to the store closer to school to grab a meal

Samuel and I have struggled with his desire to have same level of indepence as kids his age and my desire to protect him. I am growing and learning but it is difficult to find a safe balance. I have allowed him to work solo to the store without sneaking behind him. My aneiety while i wait for his return is beyond this world but he has been successful. He pays and now know to stay for his change.

So last thursday, i had to step out and Samuel let me know that he “found $20” and he wanted to go to the store. I refused because i was stepping out and i want to be able to know when he turns home. So can you imagine my surprise when i got home and noticed things were out of place. I turned to Samuel and asked him about leaving the house while i was away and he admitted it. His first worlds to me was that he is 16 and i am “too much”. He mentioned that 16 years olds can go to places and he couldn’t understand why i don’t let him do stuffs. I did let him know that i am too much with EVERYONE includinf my husband 🙂 .

His next statement was that i am always tracking him. He was shocked at how i knew he stepped out of the house. So since i have PhD in sneaking out of the house at that age, i had to school the boy. So i listed what he did wrong and what was different from when i left. 1. His shoe was not in the coat room because he always has to be reminded to put it away. 2.The door was not locked and i locked it before i left. 3. His personal key was still in the key hole. There were many onvious things but I shall keep that for next time 🙂

He laughed at the realization that his sneaking out was not very sneaky. He apologized and i agreed to relax a little. The other day, he asked to go for a run around the area and I agrees but that 20 minutes felt like 3 hours. I

Do you remember that $20 he found? Well, he was found in Aaron’s wallet. Aaron gave it to him and he told Aaron before leaving but Aaron did not call me. So Aaron is an accomplice before, during and after the fact 🙂

This journey is never endind but Samuel and I continue to learn and develop together. We are so far from where our Journey began and we have surpasses all expectations. I am sure eventually he will be going in and out independently but for now, we will maintain baby steps.

It’s report card season and i wasn’t shocked when i saw Samuel’s result but seeing his class avearge got me thinking about Samuel’s journey into grade level math and how effortlessly it has been for him to catch up.

For back story, Samuel didn’t speak until well into grade 1 and because most of our school learning require language acquisition, Samuel didn’t really start catching up on pre-school learning (and beyond) until he acquired language. By the time he finished highschool, Samuel was technicaly in grade 5 for some core subjects (Math, English and science). For grade 9, Samuel took a lower level math and got somewhere in the 90s .. maybe 98.

When it was time to pick grade 9 courses, I discussed with the SERT  and they agreed with me to put him in grade 10 university. To our surprise, without studying, Samuel finished with either 89 or 90s. For grade 11, i could have put him in uni level Math but it was pointless because Sam will be going to College. Plus i was afraid that he may need help from me and Math and I are like divorced couple that can’t stand each other.:)

I got his mid term this week and Samuel got 96 or 94 with median of the class being 55 (I was the 55% in math child then and 55% in math adult..lol). Samuel never study for anything math at home. How he is able to catch up so quickly baffled me which is what got me into researching about individuals living life with autism and their possible extra gifts.

Is it possible that Samuel is Hypercalculia?

There is no time i think about your journey without a drop of tears….happy tears. You are really my perfect person and you have made the last 16 years so beautiful. With you, this journey into parenthood has been an adventure that i will go on over and over again.

Happy sweer 16 to my Sammie boi.
16 years of of turning an impossibility to possibility.
16 years of facing challenges head on without failing.
16 years of setting your own standard
16 years of breaking barriers

Your growth this last year has been nothing but amazing. You have acquire so much independence and

I just love how you love,
i love how everyone you encounter love and adore you,
i love how you make things look easy,
i love how you are so routine oriented,
i love how you schedule everything,
i love how you run constantly around the hpuse without bumping into a thing…i even love dem.3 dotts on your back 🙂

I am excited for what this year brings for you. As always, we will forever attempt everything your agemates gets to do therefore, Sammie, as you said, it’s driving season for you and it is your season of first Job. I cant wait to cross things off the list together and as you always do, i cant wait for you to amaze me.

Happy sweet 16 my prince. You are always my reason

As Samuel’s mum, i am constantly afraid and worried about outsiders. These are people who i know may not appreciate the uniqueness that is Samuel. These are people that have not taken out time to really know him. These are people that have not earned my trust. It’s difficult to strike a balance between being protective and encouraging him to develop relationships in the community

I revently registered Samuel for camping and that took ALOT of encouragement from my husband; he is the one that makes my over analyzing mind make sence:). Days leading up to the first day of camp, my anxiety went on over drive. What if he gets disrespected or treated less than my members or leaders at the camp? I had many ‘what ifs’ because i am always worried about how people interract with him. What if he defends himself again another person at the camp, will he be able to articulate to the leadership what actually happened. Alot of valid and invalid thought ran through my mind.

It took Tope’s encouragement for me to let him go that morning and Samuel’s first word when he came back was “Can I go in 2023”. As a parent, I am unapologetically over protective but as a parent of Samuel, i can be can be too extra.

Is my fear valid? YES. Experience over these many years has taught me to have this fear. It has taught me to be trust less. However, i need to find a balance.

Samuel continnue to be my greatest teacher and one of my GREATER blessings.

As we prep for school, my anxiety is on overload. I have spent the last week over thinking and having restless time about course selected. Going into grade 11, Samuel had to select courses that align with his career goal and it was difficult knowing where we want to go plus the courses that align with his desire

Samuel wasnts to be a chef. I felt like computer science may be a great choice for him…well, it looks to be easy for him. I made his course choices with his career goal/desire in mind and with understanding that i don’t want him to take any unnecessary language centered course since language is our biggest challenge.

But as school is about to start, i am anxious, i am double guessing myself…should i have selected chemistry and Biology and co for him, should i have selected accounting for him, is it right to center his course around hospitality and fitness?

I don’t know if i made the right choice. My prayer is that Samuel will have an amazing year. That his future will be super bright. That my choices for him will not impact his life negatively. I also pray that my anxiety will subside and i can enjoy the second to the last high school year of the boy that has taught me more about myself than anyone else.

Congratulations Sammie boi and to all the students. Wishing you all great success.

Over the last couple of months, we have accomplished so much and in such a short time. Everytime, this child of mine continue to move his goal post and this gives me so much hope for what is yet to come. I spent the latter part of 2021 thinking about what adult service will look like for Samuel i.e. will he leave independently, in a supported living environment or a group setting. Will he be able to cater for himself, manage finances or even maintain proper hygiene. So many thoughts were going through my head as we move towards adulthood.

Do i know what Samuel’s living situation will look like in 5, 10, 20 years? Nope but i do know that he has gained so much independence within this summer break. Samuel still has to be reminded to shower but i think this is a teenager issue rather than Autism. Our accomplishment in this area is that i dont have to scrub him down everytime anymore. He routinely put his deodorant and perfume on with minimal reminder

The biggest change thou is laundry and cleaning the house. Every Saturday with no prompt, Samuel does everyone’s laundry and on Sundays, he coordinate with his brother to ensure that all clothes gets to their different destinations. I love how his autism gives him that edge at being comdortable and excelling at routines. …i personally get bored too quickly so routine is not for me…but Samuel thrives in having a routine and follows it to a T.

Samuel took on the responsibility of cleaning the main floor every 3 days and this includes the mopping of the floor. I remember him assigning taks to his brother couple of weeks ago and i was excited to see a glimpse of his leadership skill. Don’t get me wrong, all this did not come easy, it took alot of explaining, guiding and discussion. I remember when we told him about doing his laundry and i explained to him that college is around the corner and we wanted him to be prepared. He couldn’t understand why he needed to start now, he felt like it is something one does at 18. Even with the cleaning of the floor, when we told him every 3 days, we had to explain what we meant….1,2,3…and clean floors or 1,2,3 and on the 4th day clean floor. Samuel seeks clarity in his own unique way and i love it.

We have such a long way to go but we are far ahead of where we were yesterday. Next time, i should share on our discussion around dating, obtaining G1 and getting a part time job 🙂

We really are not where we use to be #gratefulheart

I love when Sam pours red hot palm oil on my plans.  Its his way of letting me know that regardless of my conservative ideas and my goals,he will always set his own standard

I think i have shared here when Samuel finished school about our gradutions age goal…it was when he turns 21.  There are many reasons behind this goal which includes the uncertainty about the courses Samuel can succesfully complete each semester and the level of the ourses.

So i met with the School teachers/resources on Wednesday to discuss options for Samuel (PTA Meeting).  The goal is to see how he is doing in his courses and identify those he may need to take over next year.  Well, it was great to not only hear from everyone about the amazing human Samuel is but they shared about his academic achievements.

Samuel is at minimum B in his courses and is on the path to geaduate in 2 years. How did this info pour hot red oil on my white dress you may ask? My education funds is aimed at Samuel graduating school in 2026/2027, i know have to go rake money somewhere because my Sammie is on the path to graduate in 2024.

This young man continue to surprise me. I really cant wait to see what the future holds. I cant wait for him to show his ability to the world and force everyone to see the wonderful ability that lay within him. I see it daily

I know it has been a long while. Taking time out to fulfil a long time goal of mine was great but it took so much time away from some of my commitments.

Now…Sensory. Being either Hyper or Hypo sensitive to noise, cold, heat, fabric…the list goes on .. is not foreign to autism. I remember for many years when Samuel would only wear a certain type of fabric or rip his clothes because of senaory issues.

One of our recent callenges is his hypo sensitivity to cold. Samuel has always been able to endure very cold temperature however it has gotten worst since the lovkdown. Samuel sleeps in very cold room…as a matter of fact, you will need a jacket to go in his room….he calls it The Artic.

The side effect of this is that even thou he probably doesn’t feel the cold like we do, his body does feel it internally. This has translated to continuous running nose….cold etc. Why do i let him sleep in the cold? Because i am not Jesus :)…i cannot watch him through the night:) I use to go to his room and turn it off and if you give it 2 minutes, you will hear movement in his room.

As we take time today, April 2nd, to discuss autism, i want you to be aware of the person that covers their ears to block out noise, the person that flaps their hands, that person that continously run their hands under water or play with sand…i want you to accept the uniqueness in all of us. When interracting with a person on the spectrum or their parent, i encorge you to show compassion in place of judgement, I encourage you to be quiet even when you are eager to speak, i encourage you to manage your expression and i hope that you will ask “Do you need help”.

I don’t see the negativity in Autism, what i see more is intollerance in some people. I hope we all educate ourself and children about autism as we move through the month of April.